Anonymous Vagabond

Maybe if I were a better person, I would be deterred from entering a state of rage that constricts my heart and lungs. However, I find it addictive. Resentment consumed me for a long time, fueling behaviors that concerned many. I reveled in their disturbance. Pride and a desire for control led me down a dark path, where I wished to become sicker and sicker to provoke reactions from others.

I had never considered their opinions could affect me negatively, causing me to constantly seek external validation. I found myself stuck in a repetitive mental loop, feeling anxious and tortured, continually feeling the need to explain myself in excess. I felt no one could understand the divide between my soul and mind. Denial of my ailments became a dysphoric throb in my brain, radiating out of my eyes into the perception of my reality.

My delusional state led to the consumption of poisons in an attempt to punish myself for my increasingly twisted state of mind. I was begging for help I did not yet desire. Desire and moral decency were at war, tormenting my brain, creating a puddle of self-pity and fear of self. Perhaps it was the devil controlling my body, disconnecting my soul from homeostasis. I take it back, not perhaps; it was. Yet I was not a victim, I unknowingly signed my contract.

Are we victims if our very pattern of behaviors creates our problems? Our societal mindset of more is our self-created demon. We often blame others for our actions to continue consumption without guilt. This societal mindset, whether it’s about gender roles or material wealth, plays a significant role in our addictive behaviors. Hate is the driving force of our avoidance of self. So, who do you hate? I implore you to look in the mirror; it is not who you’ve been blaming, and it’s fueling your addictions. It’s important to recognize these influences and take responsibility for our actions.

What I’ve learned during my exit from this mindset is that addiction is not merely a tangible substance. It is also a state of mind, a behavioral action, and lastly, a manifestation of self-harm. A self-punishment. It’s a misconception that addiction only exists through consumption. Often, it does, but all humans are addicts to an extent. The food you eat or restrict, the media you consume, the toxic presentations of behaviors you can’t seem to get rid of as hard as you may try. If you cannot put it down and cannot stop yourself, it is addiction or, at the very least, a compulsion. A measure to sabotage oneself or to find wholeness in something outside of God. The key to overcoming these addictive behaviors is self-reflection and spiritual growth, which can empower us to find wholeness within ourselves.

God saved my sanity, bringing me from the darkest depths of psychosis. It is far easier to release hate from my soul and to not control others. It’s not nearly as exhausting as allowing rage to contort my muscles and burden my heart. Yet, I am quite aware of the addictive nature of anger itself. The false sense of power and pride it creates. One slip into that narrative, and the poison will touch my lips again.